Experience

Today I have realized just how numb this heart of mine really is
I can no longer tell the difference between self inflicted pain and the pain I inflict onto other that I "Love"
I can no longer tell the difference between a man's hands and a man's heart
How do I filter?
I have managed to mixed those memories I no longer wish to revisit with those that are there to help
Fuck me over once, I will fuck the whole world over by not letting it in, is how I feel!
It's one thing to learn something, but how do I unlearn,
How do I untwist the agony that lives in my throat crying wolf
yelping for pain because it's all that I know
All I know is the weakness in me, and well for the strong part, I am not worthy
I have not suffered enough, Sick??? Yes, how I am? True. Do I want to change? I don;t know!!!!!!!!!
That is what I fear. I fear that I have not learned the boundaries a little girl was robbed of, they are lost in guilt and shame, and only found by pain, and hurt, and tears
I am still waiting for the day that I can tell my story without feeling I am giving birth through my mouth, then and only then will I know I have forgiven myself and my predator. I have been a prey for too long and I have yet to reach out to that little girl and show her who she is now, show here that I will never let anyone hurt her again.



Forgive me for I have not learned the boundaries of this imagination of mine
I follow her everywhere, day and night!
I stalk her like the lover i never had and the woman I though I could never be.
She tell me tales, naming every synonym possible for pain
She talks tears and hear blood
and I show her strength
I give her light and build the bricks of her path
I help her with homework
and teach her about boys, tell her they are not worthy of your throne and no one will ever love you as much as I
No one will every hold your heart as tight as I ....